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Embracing Motherhood: Between Discovery and the Loss of Sel
Text for https://infinibx.com/, written with my dear friend Marie and edited by Marie.
Marie and Julieta, who have been friends for a long time, both embraced motherhood within a close timeframe, about two and a half years ago.
Julieta is also a psychologist with 11 years of experience, specializing in working with adults, teenagers, and children, following a Lacanian Psychoanalytic orientation. Becoming a mother is the most transformative experience. In this intimate conversation, they will blend their personal experiences with their professional knowledge and expertise to offer valuable insights on navigating the journey of motherhood.
1. First Steps as a Mother: Embracing Overwhelming Joy and New Fears
Marie: Being a mom is absolutely amazing. The love I feel for my son is unlike anything I have ever experienced. It is profound and all-encompassing, filling my heart with overwhelming joy. Every decision I make revolves around his well-being, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Motherhood has reshaped my life and priorities, which has led me to question who I am beyond the role of a parent.
Yet, amidst the immense joy, I have also faced challenges that caught me off guard. Dealing with intrusive thoughts, constant worry, and relentless tiredness has left little room for anything else. While I pour my heart into being the best mother I can be, I find myself grappling with the loss of my individual identity.
As time goes on, I wonder if my desires and dreams are still valid or if they’ve been overshadowed by the demands of motherhood. It’s a complex journey, where I am learning to strike a balance between caring for my son and nurturing my own sense of self. Embracing this new chapter means navigating the overwhelming emotions, fears, and responsibilities that come with it, as well as rediscovering the person I am beyond being a mother.
Julieta: My son is almost two at the moment of writing this. So in a way, I am still new to this, but at least not as fresh as in the first month of my son’s life.
I think of post-partum as a timeline where I went from being one with my baby (even with him outside in the world) to slowly getting independent from each other. In the very early days, I didn’t want to separate from him. I tried to protect him more than my own life. I wanted to hold him and be near him almost all the time. My partner and I would listen to his every breath while he slept, as new fears arose regarding his safety.
Slowly I started to find more security in myself, the baby, and the environment to begin leaving my house without him. It seemed natural for everything to revolve around my baby during that immediate postpartum phase, as we become their source of comfort and survival, sometimes setting aside our own desires and needs temporarily.
Looking back on my experience and drawing from my professional knowledge, I now understand that each encounter with motherhood is unique and that “your normal” is the right experience for you. Motherhood manifests differently for everyone, and there’s no need to seek a definitive “right or wrong” approach. Avoid falling into the trap of conflicting advice from various sources.
My advice is to reflect on your individual journey as a mother and build upon that. You may discover areas for growth or find it fascinating to explore this significant phase of life. Alternatively, if you aren’t experiencing postpartum depression, which requires treatment, it’s perfectly fine to embrace your own way of mothering without undue pressure or comparison.
2. Motherhood and Loss of Old Self
Marie: After my son was born, and as the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I started to feel a disconnection from the woman I used to be. The constant cycle of feedings, diaper changes, and sleepless nights left me questioning if I had somehow completely drifted away from my old self. The passions and aspirations that once defined me seemed to fade into the background, partly overshadowed by the constant demands of caring for my child, and the lack of interest, time, and energy to do anything else than being with him.
And with this came the guilt. The guilt of not doing enough to nurture the multifaceted, vibrant woman I once was, or the guilt of feeling selfish whenever I’m not giving all of my attention to my child when I decide to take a moment for myself – struggling to find the right balance or to understand if I’m doing things right. I even happen to wonder if my behavior is normal, especially when other family members urge me to just relax and let go of my anxiety.
Julieta: In psychological terms, our identity (or psychic) is built in the early years, and when we are not talking about serious psychiatric diagnoses, it is impossible to “lose it.” The feeling of losing yourself has to do with encountering a vital crisis. That is occupying such an essential and new role in one’s life: mother.
This role and new identification is so time and energy-demanding that we feel we lose parts of ourselves, but psychologically speaking, we are experiencing a significant change. And all the mixed feelings we can experience during this process are all valid.
3. Rediscovering Your Identity: An Ongoing Journey
Marie: Through introspection and self-reflection, I have come to a profound realization that nurturing my own identity is not only essential for my personal well-being but also crucial for the overall happiness of my family. Embracing motherhood and letting go of my old childless life does not imply that I should let go of myself.
Indeed, becoming a mother brought about significant changes. It temporarily led me away from some activities I loved, like spontaneous outings with friends. However, on the other hand, it provided me with newfound clarity to focus on what seemed more important for the present moment. In my case, it sparked a change in my career path, finding the courage to learn web development and starting Infini with my co-founders, allowing me to align my professional pursuits with my evolving priorities as a mother.
Motherhood has become an empowering journey of rediscovery for me. It has taught me that finding a balance between my responsibilities as a parent and my personal growth is feasible even if it’s confusing, and hard.
Julieta: As mothers, it becomes crucial to eventually ponder: Where does my desire lie outside of motherhood? Is it solely focused on caring for my child, or do I yearn for something else? It’s essential to reflect on whether we want to pursue previous projects or embark on new ones. As things change, we can ask ourselves: What is possible now? How do I carve out time for myself outside of motherhood? What other roles do I care about, such as being a friend, a professional, a worker, or a partner? What aspects of being a woman motivate and move me? While these questions may momentarily slip away amidst caring for our children, our desires remain present, and we retain the capacity to connect with them, whether they are old or new aspirations.
Motherhood can awaken unique desires and motivations, like my passion for writing a children’s book, while my original profession remains a significant part of who I am. Even as we may have less time and energy, we can still work towards making our dreams a reality.
Embrace motherhood with its new possibilities, and remember you are a unique mother, and when you do things with care and love- you are doing it right.
Closer to your own idea of good
( Texto version Ingles para It’s complicated: https://blog.complicated.life/closer-to-your-own-idea-of-good/ )
An approach to Lacanian ethics in psychotherapy
“Evil lives off a certain idea of good” (Carmen Gonzalez Tabaos, 2019).
What is your idea of Good? Where do you find “Good”? And is this, in fact, the only question that psychoanalysis is allowed to ask?
There is something fundamental that Lacan says: We do not work with the logic of intention (or what’s best for someone). We work with the logic of consequences.
So what are the consequences of living in a certain way?
And just like that, we are talking about ethics in psychoanalysis: there is no fundamental Good, neither is there a recipe on how to be happy. But we have the possibility of taking the way we live and the consequences of our actions seriously.
In the therapy room, I work with individuals each living in a subjective and therefore particular and unique way. This unique way might be influenced by many different factors. Sometimes outside factors can pressure people into certain actions and decisions. For example – “what society thinks that someone of your age needs to accomplish ”, “what your religion commands you to do”, “ what your parents ask you to do or be”. “
Ideas of Good and how to live, sometimes come primarily from the outside world or from your loved ones. Then it can happen that you find yourself living under ideas that are not aligned with you anymore, and not making you comfortable or happy. Also, other people’s ideas about how you’re supposed to live can influence the smallest decisions without you noticing.
Once a client was feeling really anxious while saying, “I have to do the right thing”. I asked:” Why are you living in a dual world of just right and wrong?” This had to do with a long history of being taught that in life there is just one way of doing things: the right way.
I had another client who had spent months making a list of “pros” and “cons” regarding a guy she was dating. One day she found herself remembering that her mother always said to her: “you need to find the right guy”, which illuminated why she spent all that time analyzing him without first questioning the concept of “a right guy”.
These are examples of how outside pressure can make us avoid the important question: What is my idea of Good? And the beauty of this question is that there are as many answers as people in the world.
The Lacanian ethic works with absolute respect for singularity. That is why directions of treatment are never the same, but rather depend on the simple fact that each individual is considered unique in their singularity. For example, I can receive two people who both experiences having panic attacks. But my approach is different in each case. The physiological symptoms in a panic attack might be similar, but the origin and reason are not the same.
This respect for singularity is the opposite of what happens in medicine. Doctors check your symptoms, give you a diagnosis and a preexisting treatment to cure not just you but also everyone else with the same symptoms. In psychoanalysis, it is important to never “put someone in a box” and never leave out the singular experience.
Clinical listening and interpretations
In the therapy room, we have two important tools operating within this ethic: clinical listening and interpretations.
The listening in Lacanian psychoanalysis is empty of judgment. Not having prejudices about your client enables you to focus on the most important thing: the singularity of your client. What is the key? Not making assumptions, and being able to keep an open mind when hearing your client’s stories.
The analytical device looks to offer a different level of understanding about yourself. In order for this to happen, it’s important to build curiosity about why things are the way they are. In a way, it takes you out of your comfort zone, because not knowing sometimes is easier. Curiosity will keep work going, session after session.
This leads to the possibility of asking another fundamental question: Why does this happen to me? Is it “bad luck”? Or is it something deeper in which I am involved?
I have a simple example: During the first session, a client told me that she always changes her therapist after one year. After a year she feels that her therapists start focusing on subjects that she doesn’t want to. I asked her if this happened always after the same amount of time. She immediately replied, “yes, so maybe I am the problem”. I certainly don’t believe “she is the problem” but the idea of having something to do with a situation that repeats itself year after year is a point of departure for self-exploration.
But Lacanian interpretations aren’t made to be “understood”, rather to provoke movement and generate ways out of determination. Sometimes this can be as simple as asking a question. In my analytical experience (and as someone who does psychoanalytic treatment herself) I see it as being offered alternative points of view so I can see myself in a clearer way. It offers not an explanation of “how you work” but gives insight into the singular way you experience things.
Eventually, the difficult work of questioning will have its results. Hopefully, you will develop a frame of reference that wasn’t there before: On how to react, how to decide, how to live.
As a therapist, I try to explore my client’s willingness to open themselves to those fundamental questions. Sometimes it’s as simple as this: The younger you are the less difficult it becomes. But even for young ones, it is not an easy task. Either way, my job is to accompany them on their journey to asking these questions. So they can start to build new ideas of a life that is closer to their own idea of Good.
Un bien más propio
“El mal vive de una cierta idea del Bien”. (Carmen González Tabaos, 2019)
¿Cual es tu idea del Bien? y es esta pregunta, la única que el psicoanálisis se permite hacer?
Hay algo fundamental qué aprendemos con Lacan: nosotros -los analistas- no trabajamos con la lógica de las intenciones (o lo que es “mejor” para alguien). Trabajamos con la lógica de las consecuencias.
Cuales son las consecuencias de tu modo de gozar?
Y así de fácil, ya empezamos a hablar de ética en psicoanálisis Lacaniano: No hay un Bien fundamental, tampoco una receta para la felicidad. Lo que tenemos con las consecuencias de nuestra manera de vivir. Analizarte abre la posibilidad de tomarte en serio las consecuencias de tus actos.
Como analista me encuentro en la práctica con sujetos deseantes, viviendo de una manera subjetiva y por ende particular y única en el mundo. Muchas veces escucho como factores externos terminan moldeando la vida de una persona. Por ejemplo: “Lo que está bien para la Sociedad, lo que la religión comanda o lo que tus Padres te enseñaron”. Ideas de Bien que vienen de afuera, o de tus seres queridos. Y puede pasar que de pronto, ya no te sientas cómodo/a bajo ciertos mandatos. Puede suceder que esos mandatos estén influenciando pequeñas decisiones, más de lo que te gustaria.
Una analizante, sintiéndose muy ansiosa, repetía “Tengo que hacer lo correcto”. Esto tenía que ver con una larga historia acerca de cómo ella había aprendido que se hacen las cosas: Bien. Otra analizante se pasó meses haciendo una lista de “pro y cons” acerca de un chico con el que salía. Un día se encuentra recordando que su madre siempre le dijo “Tienes que encontrar a la persona indicada”. Esto la iluminó en la razón por la que se pasó tantos meses cuestionando su relación.
Estos son solo algunos ejemplos de cómo la mirada puede influir en tus actos. Es esa presión la que no te permite hacer esta fundamental pregunta: Cual es mi Bien?. Y la belleza de esta pregunta es que hay tantas respuestas como personas en el mundo.
La ética Lacaniana trabaja con un respeto fundamental hacia la singularidad. Es por eso que la dirección de tratamiento nunca es la misma, sino que depende del hecho de que cada individuo es considerado único en su singularidad. Por ejemplo, puedo recibir dos personas con ataque de pánico. Mi mirada acerca de cada caso va a ser diferente. Los síntomas fisiológicos pueden ser similares, pero las razones y el propósito de esa angustia no son los mismos en cada persona.
Esto es lo opuesto a lo que sucede en medicina. Doctores chequean tus síntomas, te diagnostican y te dan un tratamiento para curarte, no solo a vos sino a todas las personas con los mismos síntomas. En psicoanálisis es importante no poner a nadie “en una caja” y siempre atender a las singularidades de cada caso.
Escucha clínica e Interpretación
En el consultorio, tenemos dos herramientas importantes que operan dentro de esta ética: la escucha clínica e interpretaciones.
La escucha en el psicoanálisis lacaniano está vacía de juicio. No tener prejuicios sobre la persona que atendés permite concentrarse en lo más importante: la singularidad. Cual es la clave? : No hacer suposiciones para escuchar posiciones (singulares).
El dispositivo analítico busca ofrecer un nivel diferente de comprensión de vos mismo. Para que esto suceda, es importante generar curiosidad sobre por qué las cosas son como son. En cierto modo, te saca de tu zona de confort, porque no saber a veces es más fácil. La curiosidad mantendrá el trabajo, sesión tras sesión.
Esto lleva a la posibilidad de hacer otra pregunta fundamental: ¿Por qué me pasa esto a mí? ¿Es “mala suerte”? ¿O es algo más profundo en lo que estoy involucrado?
Tengo un ejemplo simple: durante la primera sesión, una paciente me dijo que siempre cambia de terapeuta después de un año. Después de ese tiempo, siente que sus terapeutas comienzan a enfocarse en temas que ella no quiere. Le pregunté si esto sucedía siempre después de la misma cantidad de tiempo. Ella respondió de inmediato, “sí, así que tal vez yo soy el problema”. Ciertamente no creo que “ella sea el problema”, pero la idea de tener algo que ver con una situación que se repite año tras año es un punto de partida para explorar.
Pero las interpretaciones Lacanianas no están hechas para ser “entendidas”, sino para provocar olas, movimientos fuera de la determinación. A veces esto puede ser tan simple como hacer una pregunta. En mi experiencia analítica (como analizante), lo siento como si me ofrecieran puntos de vista alternativos. No se trata de ofrecer una explicación de “cómo sos” , sino poder ver la manera singular en que vivís tus experiencias.
Finalmente, el difícil trabajo de cuestionarte tendrá sus resultados. La idea es que de a poco se desarrollen nuevos marcos de libertad, que no estaban antes: sobre cómo reaccionar, cómo decidir, cómo vivir. Como analista, trato de explorar la disposición de mis pacientes para abrirse a esas preguntas fundamentales.
Para mí lo más importante es que las personas no se escondan, que “salgan” y cuestionen qué es eso de lo que padecen y que de a poco encuentren nuevas maneras de habitar el mundo que estén enlazadas a un deseo más propio que ajeno.
¿Por qué es bueno analizarse? ¿Quién debiera analizarse?
A esto puedo a responder con una frase de Sartre: “Porque somos lo que hacemos – con lo que hicieron de nosotros”.
Venimos del vientre de otra persona, somos “hechos por el otro”. Pero a fin de cuentas, terminamos siendo lo que hacemos de nosotros. Nos convertimos en sujetos activos de nuestra vida. Es un deber para encontrar momentos de felicidad, poder ser activos en nuestra vida.
Esto no quiere decir que yo crea que todo el mundo tenga que analizarse. No todos quieren, ni deben. Hasta podría decir que hay solo dos momentos que convocan al análisis: Una angustia que no se puede manejar en soledad y una pregunta que no cesa y todo el tiempo te cuestiona.
A veces se escucha decir “No sé por qué yo repito esto en mi vida”, ” Siempre tengo mala suerte”. El “Tengo mala suerte”, “¡Mira qué destino el mío!” no es el paciente del análisis. El paciente del análisis es aquel que dice “No sé porque siempre termino en esta situación”. Algo del compromiso de la persona con el síntoma aparece. Es esa idea de que algo debo tener que ver con esto que me pasa. ¿Por qué siempre acá?, ¿Por qué no puedo salir de esta situación? . Esas preguntas te llevan a demandar un tratamiento.
Cuando uno no encuentra la respuesta a una pregunta o cuando la angustia ya no se aguanta en soledad, estamos en territorio apto para un análisis.
El cuerpo inconsciente, la defensa
Hay pacientes que llegan derivados por otros médicos que no han logrado curarlos de sus dolores, porque descubren que esos dolores no tienen correspondencia con ningún problema fisiológico. Es interesantes recibir aquellas personas.
Con Freud aprendemos a preguntar: ¿Cuándo te empezó a doler? Esta pregunta no pretende ser mágica ni quitar el dolor de un momento a otro. Pero abre la posibilidad de hallar una vivencia que subjetive lo que para los médicos se presenta como algo objetivo.
La convicción del psicoanálisis es no olvidar que existe un motivo por el cual los neuróticos prefieren aguantar, soportar y acarrear un dolor en el cuerpo antes que recordar.
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Alteraciones en la piel, dolores en las piernas, infecciones crónicas, congestiones crónicas, problemas gastrointestinales, insomnio, dolores de muelas, enormes dolores de cabeza
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀… defensas -paradójicamente- de sentir otra cosa, de recordar.
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Para los analistas el dolor físico es una brújula en un psicoanálisis. Nuestra pregunta ¿Cuándo empezó? contiene la suposición de que el dolor físico se vuelve el único antídoto –aunque fallido- contra el dolor de recordar.
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¿Qué tan doloroso es recordar?
Artículo sobre el amor
Los engaños, el fin del amor, las separaciones. Casamientos y abandonos. Los que reniegan del compromiso o los que tienen terror al fracaso. Me gusta pero no sé qué hacer. Quiero terminar la relación pero no me animo. ¿Qué hago si me deja? Sexo sin amor, amor sin sexo, amor con contratos. Amor para siempre, amor por un minuto. Amor a primera vista. Sexo y amistad. Sexo a escondidas, esconder el amor.
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-Tal vez ya no me ama.
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-Solloza.
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-¿Cómo se vive sin ella? Cree que una separación sería arrancarse una parte de sí misma.
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Es cierto que nadie te completa porque no estás incompleto, que no existe la media naranja porque no sos una mitad. Pero la ausencia duele.
El amor es apostar sin saber la fecha de vencimiento, es correr el riesgo.
Hace un tiempo que vengo escuchando lo siguiente: “puedo vivir sin vos pero te elijo”. Bueno, no es siempre así. A veces no se puede y duele.
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Quiere una vida con ella pero ella ya no la quiere. Es momento del final, es un momento de cierre.
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-¿Volveré a sentir algo? Le preocupación de que junto con ella también se vaya la capacidad de sentir.
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Sé que hay pérdidas que duelen, que los finales no son fáciles, pero también el fin es lo que trae un nuevo comienzo. Es posible hacerse fuerte en los lugares dónde algo te rompió. Reinventarse. Flor nueva de romances viejos. O como dice un famoso cantautor “es el amor después del amor”.
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